Remy, hi my love. That was a roller coaster that we went through on Friday. I know that you have been harbouring a secret wish; to have a good and healthy relationship with your father and that is what Friday was all about.
If you remember well, the week before last you insisted that your father was to take you to see the eye doctor who I learnt is called an ophthalmologist. (Long name for a doctor of one of the smallest organs in the body. What is the pronunciation of the word anyway)? So your (our) date was at 11.30 am but somehow we ran late cos we had another appointment prior to the meeting your father at the eye hospital. So we went in knowing that we were already late and he had an appointment that he had to go to by about 12.30 pm. We had agreed that we would play by ear and should the air be conducive then I would leave you in his capable hands after all his is your father and you wanted to spend some time with him. Well shock on us, he also registered to see the eye doc, time 12.00 pm. That was an indication to me then may be the 12.30 appointment was not going to happen cos the clinic as you know is very thorough and the shortest you take to go through the whole process is not less than 3 hours.
Playing it by ear I decided to sit completely separately from you so that you can bond; father and daughter. I gave you a cool one hour and a half for you to sit and talk only to later discover that the longest time that you sat together was about fifteen minutes. To cut the long story short Remy remember that we sat at the hospital from noon up to about 4:30 pm. I am sorry that you did not achieve the objective of the day; to get an answer from your father whether he wants to have a father-daughter relationship with you. By the end of the four and a half the only thing that you could say was that that is the longest time that the two of you have spent together in your lifetime. I could see that end that you were seething with anger and the reasons that you gave me were most profound:-
- You had insisted for your father to come and “take” you see the ophthalmologist because you believe that you inherited your poor eyesight from him. For you this is something that you share exclusively with him.
- Sometime last year, you had written to him a hand written letter and asked him a few fundamental questions. Questions that are pertinent to your basic existence. The most important of all was “Would you like to have a relationship with me?” The fact that he was not able to discuss the issues even after having sat on them for more than six months did not sit very well with you.
Remy I will attempt to define who a father is for you since you never had the joy of growing up with one. A father is the male parent of any child. He is the protector and provider. He is looked up as the head of the family. In almost all societies he gives his name to his child. It is through him that a child gets his or her inheritance. A father should love his child unconditionally, he should be there to take away any pain, harm or threat that the child faces. A father does not need to have “donated his sperm” to a child for him to parent. A father does not need to biologically father a child for him to parent you Remy. Your doting grandpa is a case to point out.
My darling girl I know that life is hard and and I know that you would love that gift of having a father to love you for who you are. At times I wonder if I made a mistake for not including him in your life. I wonder if I selfishly denied you that bond that is between a father and a child. I wonder if he has a good relationship with his legitimate and or legal children, I wonder if he has a wishy washy relationship with them as he has with you. I wonder if the legitimate children have a many unfulfilled promises from as you have.
Remy one thing that I know is true is that I have never and will never say anything that is derogatory about your father in your hearing. No matter how bad or how messed up my relationship with him was, yours is a completely different one; that of father and daughter. Mine was sexual. No parent in their right mind should use the basis of a failed love relationship whether legal or not to deny their child the right to know him/
Remy, my dear, my fondest wish and prayer is that you shall one day have an unconditional bond with your father. A bond that is so pure, so loving and not money driven. A father-child driven irrevocable bond.